Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
A ghost story
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me