Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?