If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.