My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.