Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
You Might Also Like
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.