Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I mean…but I did
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
can’t catch a break