TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*weighs self after shaving
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.