Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
reviewed some movies recently
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…