Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…