If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”