*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.