“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
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Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me, flirting😏
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies