Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
You Might Also Like
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Did I do this right
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.