nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
starting a garage orchestra
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
this is the greatest thing ever