*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.