Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances