technically true but not a great slogan
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
We’re all getting idioter.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
all that yoga finally paid off
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment