no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
You Might Also Like
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”