i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.