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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me in tagged photos
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
yeet