To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.