Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.