“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You Might Also Like
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
CUTE CAT‼︎
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.