I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Running from your problems is cardio .
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?