Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The smoothest fall of all time
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I love it all
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: