My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot