Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.