Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You Might Also Like
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Watermelon Boss!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.