Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
britain’s three elite institutions
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.