Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….