Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last