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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Very problematic
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day