I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}