If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.