Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.