Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show