If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape