For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.