it’s the silliest best thing
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing