A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname