I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Love this one 😂🧟
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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