A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!