doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable