im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Seems legit
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!