People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*