How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
oh my gosh!!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up