I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.