ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You Might Also Like
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
me
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.