Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
FINE, I WON’T.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
scares
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.