which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM